Aimlessness is not something I'm comfortable with. I am at my best when working, pushing, toward something. That's hardly a declaration of individuality; because--who isn't? In the years leading up to getting Barbie, there was a foreign aimlessness in me. I think it formed after hastily putting broken pieces back together, focusing more on reassembly than repair.
As time passed, ice formed in those cracks. It was easier than leaving them exposed. I wished to be disconnected, because clearly I hadn't handled being connected well. Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with cocooning yourself when you wish to rebuild or remodel. As that period came to a close, I was for once ready to grow and change.
Barbie means more to me than I can say. Her role in my life is both symbolic and physical. Symbolically, Barbie was my assertion to myself and to the world that I was dropping anchor and the aimlessness was over. A seismic shift in lifestyle and scheduling. It was no longer about what had been or what could be. It was about what is and what will be. No one can implement the change of embracing the now like a dog. When I take her out, I am constantly watching for deer or squirrels. Hoping that I see them before she does, so that I can divert her focus and avoid a chase. Which then leads to taking a deep breath as I admire the sky or the sound branches make when they intersect in the wind. If she feels I've been reading on my iPad too long, she nudges it out of my hands.
A few weeks ago, Barbie and I were outside playing f-e-t-c-h. I noticed on one of her returns that she was moving slow. She is half border collie, so the only time she moves slow is when she's asleep. By the time she was at my heel, she was holding her left paw up. She winced and resisted as I inspected it. She had caught her dew claw on something and torn the nail.
She is terrible about having her nails trimmed on a good day. I knew if I could just sever the broken nail, this issue would easily resolve itself. It was near the end of the nail and not at risk for infection. I grabbed her nail clippers, sanitized them, and attempted to hold her paw up to cut the nail. She violently propelled herself out of my grip by standing on her hind legs and rolling over my arm. As I grabbed my phone to call my vet, she gave me the I just don't understand face. I sat down, reached my hands out to her, and pet her as I explained if you just let me cut your nail, it will be all better and we can go right back to playing. I need you to trust me.
She walked back into the garage with her head hung low. As I walked in, she exhaled, lifted her paw, and looked away. It was trust. It was an affirmation I had no idea I needed. I could feel ice melting. I quickly made the cut and she was instantly relieved. I was, of course, moved to tears and ceremony by the gesture. She just looked at me like okay. just throw the fucking ball.
|Today is Barbie's third birthday. Her birthday cookies are made of bacon, |
brown rice,egg whites, and pumpkin.
The 3 is formed with blueberries.