Friday, November 13, 2015

Trust

Aimlessness is not something I'm comfortable with.  I am at my best when working, pushing, toward something.  That's hardly a declaration of individuality; because--who isn't?  In the years leading up to getting Barbie, there was a foreign aimlessness in me.  I think it formed after hastily putting broken pieces back together, focusing more on reassembly than repair. 
As time passed, ice formed in those cracks.   It was easier than leaving them exposed.  I wished to be disconnected, because clearly I hadn't handled being connected well.  Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with cocooning yourself when you wish to rebuild or remodel.  As that period came to a close, I was for once ready to grow and change. 
Barbie means more to me than I can say.  Her role in my life is both symbolic and physical.  Symbolically, Barbie was my assertion to myself and to the world that  I was dropping anchor and the aimlessness was over.  A seismic shift in lifestyle and scheduling.  It was no longer about what had been or what could be.  It was about what is and what will be. No one can implement the change of embracing the now like a dog.  When I take her out, I am constantly watching for deer or squirrels. Hoping that I see them before she does, so that I can divert her focus and avoid a chase.  Which then leads to taking a deep breath as I admire the sky or the sound branches make when they intersect in the wind.  If she feels I've been reading on my iPad too long, she nudges it out of my hands.  
A few weeks ago, Barbie and I were outside playing f-e-t-c-h.  I noticed on one of her returns that she was moving slow.  She is half border collie, so the only time she moves slow is when she's asleep.  By the time she was at my heel, she was holding her left paw up.  She winced and resisted as I inspected it.  She had caught her dew claw on something and torn the nail. 
She is terrible about having her nails trimmed on a good day.  I knew if I could just sever the broken nail, this issue would easily resolve itself.  It was near the end of the nail and not at risk for infection.  I grabbed her nail clippers, sanitized them, and attempted to hold her paw up to cut the nail.  She violently propelled herself out of my grip by standing on her hind legs and rolling over my arm.  As I grabbed my phone to call my vet, she gave me the I just don't understand face.  I sat down, reached my hands out to her, and pet her as I explained if you just let me cut your nail, it will be all better and we can go right back to playing.  I need you to trust me.

She walked back into the garage with her head hung low. As I walked in, she exhaled, lifted her paw, and looked away.  It was trust.  It was an affirmation I had no idea I needed.  I could feel ice melting.  I quickly made the cut and she was instantly relieved.  I was, of course, moved to tears and ceremony by the gesture.  She just looked at me like okay. just throw the fucking ball.
Today is Barbie's third birthday.  Her birthday cookies are made of bacon,
brown rice,egg whites, and pumpkin.
The 3 is formed with blueberries.  

33 comments:

  1. Aww, can I just say, I love your pictures of Barbie so much! That face...you are right, I see trust and love if every shot where she is looking at you. And isn't it amazing that they will actually allow themselves to be hurt by you, trusting that you know what you're doing and are trying to help, not deliberately hurt them. That's relationship with a capital R. There's people who would not place their trust so overwhelmingly in me. Our dogs are amazing friends. What a wonderful post.

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    1. Thank you! It is amazing, their ability to trust. Such a heartwarming feeling!

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  2. Happy Birthday! Barbie! Hope you and your sweet dog have a great day!

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  3. Stephen, Your dog is cute and shiny. She looks perfect. That made me sad to read about her paw. Glad you have that dog...you need each other.:):) Happy birthday to Barbie. Blessings, xoxo,Susie

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    1. Thanks so much, Susie! You're absolutely right! Luckily, she healed very very quickly.

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  4. Happy Birthday to Barbie. I am glad she has released in you something that no one else has been able to do for a while, Stephen. Underneath all that mouth and sass is a deep-thinking, spiritual, tender-hearted soul. I knew there was a reason I loved you!
    Have a good day with your sweet Barbie. I may start calling you Ken! xo Diana

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    1. haha mouth, sass, and hairspray! Sometimes if I think good real hard I get something! Thank you :) I feel bad! I'm at work now. But she's with her BFF so she's having fun.

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  5. SHE Needed YOU as much as YOU Needed HER.A match made.May I suggest to share the cookie recipe!!!

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    1. That's exactly right! I will post it soon!

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  6. Oh Barbie, you are just adorable! Happy Birthday. Love the cookie your Daddy made for you.

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    1. Bodhi is full of personality and such a great addition to our empty nest. You are so right, their living -in -the -moment way of life is good for us. I love your description of what Barbie means to your life. The two of you are a family!

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  7. Happy birthday, Barbie! Now give her the damn cookie!

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  8. Happy Birthday Barbie! I think you made someone's day.

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  9. Happy Birthday Barbie :-D. LOVE your cookie!

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  10. what a sweet story stephen. could this be why i'm pet-less still? oh and happy birthday to sweet barbie, you make quite a team. xo

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    1. Thank you! Oh I don't know about that. You have so much on your plate! Are you thinking about adopting one?

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  11. I love Barbie! I think she is so sweet enjoy everyday with her I know I do with my two knuckle heads! xo K

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  12. What a lovely story Stephen, Barbie is so lucky to have such a caring father. Animals really are a gift, I miss my labrador every day and am reminded of how much by dog Digby meant to me when he was alive. Happy birthday Barbie - that cookie looks fantastic!
    Cindy F

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    1. Thank you, Cindy! Digby! What a cute name. Labs are so wonderful.

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  13. Barbie is gorgeous, and you make a perfect pair. Having a dog is a life-changer, maybe more so when they are the sort that need lots of time outside? Scout has changed my life and perspective for the better I know that for sure.
    How much do I love that you bake cookies for Barbie? Happy Birthday to the dear girl, I'm so happy you found her. XOX

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    1. I totally agree with you, Dani! I think that may be right. How is Scout? I miss seeing his portrait on Mondays! Thank you so much! The cookies are so easy, I'll post the recipe!

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  14. Somehow I am just reading this now and the timing couldn't be more perfect. Happy belated Birthday to Barbie, such a beauty and a wonderful companion to a fantastic person.
    xo
    h

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    1. Thank you so much! Hope you were able to have some peace this weekend.

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  15. Nothing brings us out of ourselves quite like having a dog. My dogs keep me grounded, and present. With no effort, they give me so much more than I could ever give to them.

    Happy birthday, Barbie.

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  16. Barbie is a treasure and I just adore her and how lucky are both of you!!!

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    1. Thank you! And you're exactly right. She's a long way from Amish country sleeping in a crate with five other puppies. She doesn't remember life before luxury I hope. I got her when she was barely eight weeks!

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